Immediately following Grace's tragic death, as her mother, I felt nothing but guilt, self-blame, shame and judged, I felt tortured that I didn’t have the choice of ending my life because I could not be that selfish to my daughter, husband and family.
When it first happened, I had some sympathy for Bednest, the company responsible for the cot, assuming it too would be mortified and remorseful. Unfortunately, the company does not appear to believe that the design of the cot caused Grace's death.
Bednest and NCT’s response quickly turned my depression to anger.
On 21 April 2015, the Coroner issued a Regulation 28 Notice, because she perceived that “there is a risk that future deaths will occur unless action is taken”.
NCT issued a press release in April 2015 reassuring parents that there was “no evidence of any fault with the cot”. This remained on its website until Nov 2015.
The Bednest cot in which Grace died has been recalled in Canada and America. There has been no official recall notice of the cot in the UK. Instead, In late November 2015, Bednest Ltd sent out two screws and a screwdriver to every customer registered as having bought a cot so they could modify it at home to prevent it being used with the side halfway down, the way that caused our daughter's death.
The influential parenting website, Mumsnet, for one, did not post the coroner's findings. I don't know why. Grace and the cot were discussed on the site's community forum and people posted terrible comments, blaming me for Grace's death.
I now have a 3-month old son. Having another baby after my baby had died in such a horrific way has left me hugely anxious that something bad is going to happen, not just to my new baby, but also to my older daughter.
I sometimes meet other mothers who have suffered loss, but I never feel I can discuss the way my baby died. Because I have been so heavily criticised, I feel ashamed to mention it, but at the same time I want to recognise Grace's life, she was here, albeit for such a short time.
It will be deeply painful for me and Gideon to have to give evidence about the death of our child at the inquest this week.
The coronial process is very long. We are still fighting for answers 18 months later. It ought to be straightforward but Bednest would appear to doubt the circumstances of Grace's death.
Many mothers will know all too well that a seven-week old baby can already lift its head, albeit some cannot.
My evidence will be that Grace was able to manoeuvre herself into a position whereby her head fell over the side of the cot and got stuck. It is expected that video evidence of other babies doing the same will be shared with the court.
When I had my son less than a year later, I recorded his development and at 6 weeks, 4 days old, he could push up with his arms and lift his head high. He would definitely be at the same risk as Grace in this cot.
This is not a criminal prosecution. The purpose is to decide the cause of death. Depending on the outcome, my lawyer will decide whether to issue civil proceedings against the company for damages.
The cot has been recalled in the US and Canada for not complying with safety standards, but not in the UK, where my baby died in one.
I urge any parent with one in their loft, with the original set of instructions to throw the cot and instructions away. In my opinion, the huge second-hand market for cots such as Bednest remains worrying and dangerous. Instructions and the modification kit will likely have been lost and many people will be unaware of the dangers.
By Esther Roseman, Loving mother.